For those who haven’t already read my recent post Glimpse Into the Life of a Managing Director, I suggest starting there so you will have some context for this post.
The TL:dr version is that I work a full time day job as a paralegal and am the volunteer Managing Director of a nonprofit performing arts organization during nearly every spare moment of time when I’m not at work. I take full responsibility and ownership of the lifestyle I have created for myself, but it can be difficult at times.
Despite how busy I am and how essential I am at both of my jobs, with my average workday spanning nearly 14 hours 5-7 days a week, I often feel alone. The assumption is that busy = fulfilled, right? That person whose Google calendar is a checkerboard of appointments and obligations lives an amazingly rich life, right? What if that wasn’t actually the case?
I have spent a lot of time reflecting upon this lately. Socially, I am an introvert. I do not seek to spend time in large groups of people nor do I relish making new friends. My attempts at small talk often meander into the awkward department. I have always been a quality-over-quantity kind of person, seeking to spend time with people whose personalities and interests I feel drawn to most strongly. Could this be the reason I sometimes feel isolated? Perhaps, but I don’t think so.
I recently had the realization that nearly all of my interactions with people every day are transactional in nature. I report to work and say hello to my colleagues. I arrive at the studio each day to clean and prepare to teach, rehearse, or take class. I greet my fellow instructors, troupe members, and students and then we conduct the scheduled activity and everyone goes their respective ways at the conclusion. In the course of these activities, connections are formed. I have great fondness and respect for so many of the people I work with, perform with, and interact with as a teacher or a student and I cannot imagine my life without these incredible humans. But at the same time, those relationships do not fit into my definition of friendships – primarily because the interactions are somewhat secondary to the transactions. We are all doing these things in service of a larger thing – a paycheck, a fitness or artistic goal, or an upcoming performance. I’m the first to admit that if I am having a hard day and need to talk or am looking for someone to grab a cocktail with after work, the people with whom my interactions are primarily transactional are not on the list of people I contact.
Professional boundaries and distribution of roles in my life are also very important to me, which can result in isolation. I would not expect the person I love to train circus with to also be the person I geek out with about astrology or metaphysical studies. I don’t expect my romantic partner to be my sounding board for all of my leadership-related woes. I would not feel comfortable buddying up with students who are two decades my junior to vent about the challenges of entering middle age, nor would that be appropriate.
I have also noticed how much interactions have become less about face time and more about interfacing and communicating through screens, an inherently sterile and cold medium. Yet people break up via text message. People quit their jobs via email. People spend hours discussing heated, emotional topics via instant messaging. Have we forgotten how to talk to each other? Is this truly the appropriate medium for matters of love and life? Have we grown so attached to our large and small glowing boxes that real, in-person interaction is becoming irrelevant? Are we really so busy that we must rely on such an impersonal method of communication? Will there come a day when the ability to read and interpret body language and facial expression isn’t second nature anymore, and is instead a novel skill? Not in my lifetime, I suspect, but probably not all that far off either.
And so, when I do find those rare moments of free time, I occasionally feel lost and unsure of what to do with it. I can only read, write, do yoga, and meditate so much. Introverts are not anti-social; we crave connection as much as anyone else. My insanely packed schedule means I click NO on the RSVP page of events more often than not, but there are times when an outing with a friend or two sounds lovely. I find myself more often than not being the one to initiate plans with friends, which also starts to feel tiresome and lonely at times. Did they forget I exist?
The rare occasion when my notification light comes on and someone is reaching out to me just to say hello or schedule a time to get together with no prescribed agenda and no transaction in mind is becoming more and more rare these days. Was it something I said?
What this post is not – a plea or suggestion to those who know me to invite me to your next BBQ or brunch. I’m doing just fine, but I appreciate the concern. What this post is – a reminder that loneliness comes in many different forms. Never assume that because someone is busy, they are living a fulfilled and rich life. Don’t stop inviting those folks to your gatherings. Don’t hesitate to send a hello message or invite them to lunch. They are likely to decline (because busy) but it can help to alleviate those empty feelings and let them know you are thinking of them. And who knows? Perhaps they will actually show up sometime.
And for those of you who do remember your exceedingly busy and often absent friends, thank you. Keep remembering us. We think of you often, even though you might not see us much.
myth.and.the.muse 